I don't know who's going to read this blog, if anyone; it's more for me to put my thoughts out there for... SOMEONE to see, even if their not the person I really want to hear them. At the moment I feel... discouraged? Angry? Sad? There's plenty of emotions rolling about... Mostly all connected to one thing that's been eating away at me since March. Well, really a long time, but it REALLY hit during Spring Break.
My dad really started attacking me about my weight, within two hours of me being home I was told "you're not really hungry" while I was eating chips. I was then told that he thought I'd gained 30 pounds since I was home last (which was the first weekend of February, and quite impossible). The next day I was told sorry, but the statement wasn't taken back. The next day I was attacked in IHOP, told I ordered possibly the worst thing on the menu for me and I must have something mentally wrong, that I'm purposely making myself overweight for attention or something. My mom asked if it was because of being adopted. I had to leave because I didn't want to start sobbing or screaming in the middle of IHOP with the Sunday Church crowd.
When I got home we had to talk about it. And after telling them (both my parents) that I felt they didn't find me good enough I eventually was told that I didn't follow through on things, I give up, and that I'm so overweight no guy would ever think about dating me. That a guy wants someone cute and small on their arm to show off. I couldn't decide who should be more insulted; myself or my mom, who sat there in silence. And he said that he had to tell me those things because he's the only one who will; my friends won't tell me the truth.
He told me he wouldn't tell me what to do about it anymore. But that doesn't mean I don't think about it. In fact, I think about it daily. Multiple times a day. Possibly multiple times an hour. It hurts, and I want to think "he has no right to treat me like that, to say those things;" but then I think "if my DAD can say and think that... then why wouldn't other guys think so also?" All my girlfriends say that he's wrong; I'm beautiful and I'll find a guy who loves me for me, whether I decide to loose weight or not. Guys say that he's wrong and it's bullshit; guys don't think that; but they also happen to be dating beautiful, thin girls.
So what am I supposed to believe? Am I supposed to believe the fairy tale that we all have someone out there for us? That I'll find a guy who loves me, big, small, beautiful, average? Or my dad, who can't even pretend to see me as anything other than an overweight "slug" as is his favorite new word? (I'm told daily that I can't just sleep into the afternoon or sit around the house like a slug, and to do something useful)
If there's anything I have in common with my dad, it's that I can't just forgive and forget. He seems to think I can; insists that I can't just bottle up my emotions and not talk to him about things. But I can hardly be in the same room with him without wondering if he's judging me at dinner or when we actually watch a TV show together, eating my fat free Jello. How am I supposed to open up to him, when I just want to scream at how much he's hurt me? How when he jokes about wondering "what I'll tell me therapist" when I'm older, I can't be positive I won't need one because I feel so horrible all the time now.
Being in this house, I've only once been able to motivate myself enough to work out; I was on the elliptical for an angry 30 minutes, overworking myself and not caring at all. I just wanted to show him. But then I think "if I do get skinny... and guys do come running... does that make him right?" And I'm not NOT working out to spite him... but I've just can't convince myself to do it. I feel so lonely in my home.
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