About school and my future.
I know. Deep.
The whole "when you grow up" deal is tough. Being at camp with so many international staff always makes me think about college even more. I find it so unfair that we have to immediately jump from high school into college, already decide what we want to do for the rest of our lives. That's a long freaking time. And sure, some people know from a young age. Some people figure it out early on. But there are plenty of people who have no idea, or like me have so many things they want to do it's difficult to pick just one! I want to do more performing, I want to teach, I want to live at camp for the rest of my life... I just wish we could be more like other countries, where you have a gap year (or more) to travel and do things and figure out who you really are before you make that choice. All my Israeli friends obviously also go into the army a couple years, and then spend months traveling the US, South America, Europe, Australia... I'm so envious you don't even understand.
But, since I can't take a gap year (as here in America taking time off is pretty looked down upon and all) I think I know what I'm doing. I'm still doing Music Ed, even if I feel like I suck a lot of the time, and then maybe I'll do a masters in Jewish Education. Or something like that. I also want to do this program where you spend four months in India doing service and then another four months in Israel doing more service... It sounds terrifying but also so exciting.
I'm so excited to go to Israel this winter. I am going to do it no matter how it happens. Hopefully I can do Birthright and extend my trip, but if I get wait listed... I don't want to wait until NEXT winter to try again. I want to go NOW! I'm so impatient I know, but going to Israel has been a dream of mine since I was 16 and unable to go with all of my camp friends. The idea of actually going... it makes me so excited I can't even explain it. To have heard all the stories of my counselors and friends going, of my friends who live there, to see the photos and feel so connected to a place I've never even been... EEK!
And one of the last things... I need some opinions. If you have read my blog before you might know about my issues with the best friend who I haven't spoken to since May now. Now, while I no longer feel as if I'm being punched in the chest every time I think about him any longer... I still hate it. I really want to be like "I'm sorry for what I said, please talk to me again" except that I also don't want to be the first person to break the silence. I have the thoughts of "well our friendship doesn't mean as much to him" and think I'm better off. But then I think maybe he didn't actually understand what I meant. I hate this and don't know if I should just move on and if he one day comes to his senses be happy (and I'll be pissed at the same time...) or send him a note of "listen, I want you to know I don't hate you."
And... that's all for now.
Roses,
Alli
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