Firstly, and the BIGGEST thing... me and my two music major roommates have been having MAJOR issues with our other roommate. She went to high school with one of my roommates and they roomed together last year, that's how we all became friends, and so we got an apartment together this year. While I have troubles with my sisters (the music majors are also in SAI with me) this other roommate has just been... very frustrating. She constantly says we don't care about her and stuff because we don't hang out with her, despite the fact that she NEVER accepts our invitations to hang out and go places and is always cooped up in her bedroom on the phone with her boyfriend. Coming into this spring semester there has been a MAJOR falling out because of issues I don't need to reveal to the world on this blog. Anyway, she left San Antonio last Thursday with her boyfriend and hasn't been back. We (me and my two sisters) have been really pissed, wondering where she was and if she was skipping school or just living elsewhere...
Well I just found out she's been at home because her mother had another stroke. And I feel like the biggest bitch in the world. Like a scene from Mean Girls. I've been so MAD at her for the things she has done and said that I've just done the same thing back, which is so uncool. I hate that I let myself turn into one of those girls...
Second thing, which doesn't necessarily make me "dislike" myself... but I just feel weak. My best friend is a guy who I've also had VERY strong feelings for for a while now. We got along just fine despite this, until his most recent girlfriend. Last year was okay, but after I met her... things got weird, I guess. She disliked me right off the bat, and he says she's just the jealous type and it's not personal, but it makes me sad. Then coming into this semester our communication went downhill. He almost never responds to my texts even after my confessing to feeling shut out only a few weeks ago, he hardly ever initiates conversation, and... I feel 1) hurt that he might be doing it on purpose, because he's TOLD me about the fights he and his GF have gotten into about his talking to other girls who are his friends... and 2) I feel weak for letting him have this much control over my emotions.
I know I don't really have control over my emotions; they do what they want pretty much. And I probably don't help my situation by keeping him close, like I do. But I don't think I have the ability to cut myself off from him... to loose that friendship. It would hurt me AND him... even though I feel like he's already chosen his girlfriend over me.
Which, that shouldn't be surprising either. He's been with her for over a year, it's obvious he cares about her a lot if he's stayed with her through all the shit he used to complain about. So he SHOULD chose the girl he loves over me, right?
So... what am I supposed to do? My friends here in college say it would be unfair to both of us to "end" things. But am I supposed to just sit here while this... whatever it is goes on? I can't even NAME what is happening. This is different from my other friendships that sort of "disappeared" in the past... I want to fight for it. But it really seems like he doesn't... or he doesn't act like it.
I feel as if I'm rambling now. I don't know what else to say to express this. I can't even tell you how I feel about it all, I don't know what emotion is most prominent...
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