Now, I don't mean like I lie about really big things or I never tell the truth. I have a hard time about being honest... about myself. About how I'm feeling. Sometimes I feel absolutely awful, beaten down, sad... and I have every intention of asking for a pick-me-up from someone... but when someone actually asks me how I feel I usually say, "fine." I tend to feel guilty telling my problems to other people. I don't want to burden other people. Or I doubt that I'm upset about something that actually warrants being upset over.
This whole process is never good. It always ends badly; usually with me having a total breakdown, crying to my voice teacher, and then everyone knows I'm not fine because it's hard to hide the fact that I've been crying. And then I gradually tell people, not always everything but some of it, and people assure me that when I'm upset I can talk to them. I'm not burdening them or being stupid and I shouldn't be guilty.
Of course, today was one of those days I totally broke down. And it was a big one. I cried and cried, and I told my voice teacher somethings I haven't even been really able to admit to myself. It felt extremely good to get it off my chest.
So I'm officially making a New Years Resolution. I know we're 3 months in to 2010, but it's never too late, and this isn't just for 2010: I want to be more honest with other people, I want to be more honest with myself, and I want to especially be honest about myself with other people.
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